Erica 0:41

Erica back with you on such a stress-free week, right. With the election. Very, very stress-free. If you're in the U S anyway, uh, your stress level, no matter what side you're on is probably through the roof. Um, so we're glad to have you back and we hope we can provide a neutral. Calm. Nice advice giving place for you. Um, wanted to bring up with this episode is actually going to be on the holidays. It's a repeat from last year, speaking of stress, we know the holidays can be that they can also be a very joyful time with some stress. Um, but dr. Barra and I covered this last year and we wanted you to hear it again because the holidays are amongst us, whether we're ready for them or not. And we want you to be prepared. So listen to this incredible advice in this episode. And also with the holidays, you might be taking some time off work or, um, some vacation time or even traveling. You can grab our book at free from fears, book.com, and that's a free PDF copy that you can get that will kind of walk you through if the change program is right for you. The change program is our 16 week program. We always talk about here on the show. It's with dr. Barra and I both used to get better from anxiety. Um, but if you want to look into it some more check out this book. And another thing about this book is we will give it to you. You might want a hard copy and we will ship that to you. You just have to pay for shipping. So we don't charge you for the book. If you want the actual book to take with you, uh, there you go. This holiday season, or if you want to read it at home or whatever you don't want to read on your computer, the PDF copy is absolutely free, but we can send you the book for just the price of shipping. And it's also a really great time to start the change program, too. If you're gonna, you know, have any downtime at all, definitely recommend slowing down. It has been a crazy stressful year. I would love to see somebody or lots of you go into the new year, a totally different person and completely. Uh, learned how to relax your body and how to deal with all these unexpected things that get thrown at us. Um, we are of obviously praying and hoping for a better 20, 21 with few less surprises. But in the meantime, we do hope you'll check out the change program and seriously consider it as well. That is changed with two A's dot com. If you want to check that out. All right, let's get to coping through the holidays with dr. Barney. welcome to the life free of anxiety podcast, where each week we'll bring you another discussion to help you on your way to overcoming your fears. I'm Erica and together with dr. Charles Barr, a licensed clinical psychologist, specializing in anxiety. We'll be your guides on this journey because you are not broken. You are not alone and you are on your way to living a life free of anxiety. Well, hi, dr. BARR.

Dr. Charles Barr 3:35

Hello again,

Erica 3:36

I've uh, I've been spending a lot of time watching those hallmark Christmas movies lately. Have you? I'm sure you've seen him. Is your maybe your wife

Dr. Charles Barr 3:43

watches. Yes.

Erica 3:45

And I couldn't figure out why do I want this on all the time? And I was thinking about this the other day. I was like, first of all, I love the sets. They're so gorgeous and festive. And then like, sometimes there'll be an actor starring in the movie that I've seen in a show that I like, but I was thinking about it. And I know the real reason I like watching these movies and it's because they always make everything look perfect. Like the holidays are perfect. In these movies and there's no place on earth. I don't know one person whose holiday actually lives up to what is shown in a hallmark movie, but isn't it fun to watch anyway and pretend that life could be perfect for a second.

Dr. Charles Barr 4:24

He is, you know, um, I would, I would disagree with you a little bit. I don't think it's because it's, it goes perfectly, but I think it's because it turns out perfect.

Erica 4:33

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Well, yeah, we wouldn't watch

Dr. Charles Barr 4:36

it. If there was a conflict. And, and every, everybody is happy at the end.

Erica 4:41

Everybody's so wholesome. I mean, there's never anybody like really, really mean, or, you know, I mean, maybe there is, but not, not like real life. Okay.

Dr. Charles Barr 4:51

Well, that's kind of right. You know, it's like where where's your old ugly uncle. Yeah. Yeah.

Erica 4:58

And if he's in it, he's like not that bad or he's played by well-known actor and you're like, okay.

Dr. Charles Barr 5:03

But the holidays,

Erica 5:04

what I'm trying to say are stressful. And I think they are stressful for everyone, which is why we wanted to cover this topic, this timely topic today.

Dr. Charles Barr 5:14

Say, and I encourage people to do is to try to determine for themselves what it is they would like out of that trip. What would you like out of this visit? Now, um, my family was always in Kentucky, so I was my, in my family. I and my family were all traveling from California to Kentucky. It's like, okay, what three things would I like to do while I'm back there? And I don't care when they happen or what order they happen in. As long as those three things happen, basically what I would do when I would go there is I would talk to the rest of the family and say, well, sometime while we're here, I would like to do X, Y, and Z. And as long as those happen that I don't care what order they're in. I can do them by myself. We can do them all together. We can do them. And that typically would work pretty well for me. And usually when I, when I was there and I was telling people what I would like to do, I was also asking them, are there particular things that you would like to do. Part of the problem with living in Kentucky and, and being from that part of the country. And, uh, if some of our listeners live back there, they will certainly understand this part of the problem is, is there's a culture of, well, I'll do whatever everybody else wants to do well that that's a very accommodating on the surface, but then it leaves people with no decision maker or. A decision-maker rises to the surface and takes over. And, um, then some of that can that, uh, well, I'll do whatever everybody else wants to do. Uh, it, it kind of puts that, uh, in a different light and it kind of invites people to actually say what they would like to do.

Erica 7:11

That's a really great thing to consider as, uh, going in that maybe you'll have plans for games or, uh, alcoholic beverages, or I going to see a movie and other people won't run a partake and that's, you know, that's okay. But to have the things that you want to do that you can make sure happen, um, that might not be up to other people, uh, because people can really go either way. And they can really disappoint us. Um, you know, when we come in with too many ideas of how things are going to look, and I think a lot of coming in, like that has to do with just the, um, the whole holiday advertisement and lights and everything that tells us that this day is these days really are supposed to be so great. And then they don't live up to these huge expectations. And,

Dr. Charles Barr 8:05

um, and then it

Erica 8:08

causes a lot of depression. I mean, there's a lot of holiday depression and anxiety.

Dr. Charles Barr 8:13

Um, there there's both and the anxiety certainly can lead to depression. Um, you know, and, and if you come away from your family experience, feeling really disappointed, uh, hurt, uh, angry, then it's very difficult to. Really want to have that happen again? Yeah. Yeah. It was like, why, why do I want to go back to that? That that was, and yet the expectation is that we'll all get together as a family and have a great time. So one of the things to do in this situation is to start looking realistically at your family, realistically. Um, is it fun to be with my family? And the answer may be not very much

Erica 9:02

or not always. It depends. Yeah.

Dr. Charles Barr 9:06

Um, yeah, it can be at times and other times it's not so great. And then see if you can start figuring out what some of the factors are what's going into. This is somebody's drinking too much. Is somebody insisting on their way too much? Um, you know, do you have, uh, three different alphas in the group that all want their own way? So those three are always going to clash, you know, those kinds of things. And, um, but, but I'm really personally interested more in, okay. How can the individual. Control their own feelings while they're there at the family gathering. Uh, you, you don't have to control the family gathering. You only need to be able to control your own, your own emotions and your own reactions while you're there. So the unrealistic expectations are, are very important. And if you start really looking at your family, then maybe you can start adjusting what your expectations are for these people. Now, the other thing is most of these people that you're having trouble with also have a picture of what an ideal Christmas is, and they're trying to accomplish that. Yeah, I know that's hard to believe because you end up with such big fights at some of these things. It's like, how could that have been an ideal expectation from that person? Right. Um, and yet they, they are human and they have expectations and their expectations. Maybe idealistic and overly idealistic as well. People wanting a certain drink or, or that kind. Yes.

Erica 10:55

Cause trouble.

Dr. Charles Barr 10:56

I'm sorry to say that. It seems that alcohol plays a role.

Erica 11:00

I was just going to say that. Yeah. When you said

Dr. Charles Barr 11:03

fighting, so one of the, one of the plans, uh, if, if your family is willing to do this and willing to look at it, Is to try to limit the amount of alcohol that, that is consumed at a party like this, or at a dinner or afternoon gathering. You know, it's not that you have to eliminate it completely because, um, you know, a glass of champagne or a favorite drink may be part of the celebration for that person. But certainly getting drunk is, is not. Going to go well at a family party. And, um, so if, if, if people would kind of agree to limit themselves to one or two drinks, that would go a long way. And I know that's a hard sell for some families without a doubt. So I don't have the expectation that that will necessarily work. But if you are aware, That. Okay. Here are the people in my family that tend to over-drink that tend to then, um, become unreasonable or, or striding, or, uh, create problems and that kind of thing. Then you can start maybe thinking about different ways of dealing with that, including not arguing with them after they've had. Three drinks, you know, it's like, well, you know, I'm going to change the subject, or I don't want to talk about that anymore. Or if they're,

Erica 12:31

if they're really drunk enough, I feel like you can kind of walk away and they might not be paying so much attention to you. Anyway, you know, I think avoidance at a certain point is, is a decent idea from somebody who's intoxicated. I

Dr. Charles Barr 12:46

they're not,

Erica 12:47

yeah. They're not going to be really noticing if you're not hanging around the many ways. So you might as well not try to entertain, you know, whatever they're going to try to. Talk to you about, or, or yell at you about or criticize you about

Dr. Charles Barr 13:01

that's where I would like for you for, for where T take a lot of grace with you. Um, okay. So if someone is saying hurtful things to you and you know, that they're inebriated at that point, it's like, you know, just take it with a grain of salt. It's like, you know, they're, they're drinking too much and I don't need to take this seriously. I don't need to get hurt by it, even though it's a hurtful statement. Um, and boy, I tell you, they, they can say some very hurtful things. Um, yeah. And I've seen families that then don't talk to each other for years because somebody said something hurtful while they were, were, were, uh, drunk. And, uh, the other family member took such a fan set at that. So that's what you really think, you know, and quite frankly, I don't think that about someone who's been drinking too much. I don't think that that's what they really think. I think that that's the alcohol talking and not them because I don't think that's what they really think. That's what they said, but I don't think that's what they really think. So I want, I would like for people to take with a grain of salt, what. What happens with someone who's been drinking too much. And if you can just, just like you said, avoid them, um, turn around and walk away. If you need to, if they're starting to say hurtful things or, uh, they're getting into a belligerent argument about Paula or

Erica 14:31

whatever

Dr. Charles Barr 14:32

else, it's like, um, it happens.

Erica 14:37

Yes, it does. And,

Dr. Charles Barr 14:39

uh, you know, you just, just. Change the situation, if you can. And that may mean just walking away now, that's very difficult for some of our anxiety people, because they don't feel like they have a right to walk away. They, they feel like that's going to hurt the other person's feelings. They have soft feelings, they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. And, and I get that, uh, but that's where I want them to practice. Being self-protective as well, you know, don't, don't stand there and let someone put you down and beat you up verbally. You don't have to do that. Just, just turn and walk away, go find somebody else to talk to, and, um, try to have a good time with that person.

Erica 15:22

Now, speaking of being self-protective, do you think that there's a time to not attend the holidays because. You're going to be walking into too toxic of a situation.

Dr. Charles Barr 15:35

Yes. I think there are times when that happens. Um, and I think that that, uh, in order to be self-protective and, and that can be from a number of situations, like, um, if the family decides to have Christmas at a destination that is just most difficult for you to get to. Then you may want to announce early, you announced that you are planning to do something different next year. Um, and so you let the family hear from you that, that you're probably not going to be there next year. Uh, especially if it's held in the same place. Um, and you don't even have to, you know, Justify it particularly other than just saying, well, we've just decided we're going to try something different next year. We want to try something different. So, um, and the family will, will most likely push back and try to entice you to say yes and maybe guilt you into it or try to anyway. Right. Um, but, but that's where if you can just stand your ground and I think that it's better for the individual and for maybe your family. To not go where it ends up being really ugly and to go do something that is fun for your family and meaningful for your family rather than to go and be in that toxic situation.

Erica 16:59

Then what if somebody is feeling like it's not too, you know, it's not too far away to go. But they're kind of on the fence about going, because something could go wrong or somebody, um, might be there who might say something. I mean, there's all kinds of scenarios that can play out. But, um, just talking about removing yourself, because I think sometimes again, we fall into the expectation of, we have to be there on this day. We've been with our family every day, you know, every Christmas for 30 years or whatever it is. And so. But this year, it's looking like it might not be the best thing for ourselves.

Dr. Charles Barr 17:38

Well, that brings up the whole issue of, of, uh, boundaries, boundaries for families as, as well as boundaries for individuals. And it is okay for you to draw a boundary, uh, for your family or for you as an individual for what you want and what you don't want, which a lot of our anxiety people feel like they don't have that pride. Yeah. That, that they don't have, uh, the ability to set that boundary or to hold it. If they, even, if they declare it, they won't be able to hold it. Um, cause they're, they feel like they'll get run over and people won't respect their boundary and that kind of thing. And people will certainly challenge your boundaries when you set one. Um, but it's okay for you to have a boundary. It doesn't mean that you have to sever the relationship with the family. You can still have a meaningful relationship with the family, but maybe not go to that gathering just because that gathering is, is, is not fun anymore.

Erica 18:42

Yeah. Got

Dr. Charles Barr 18:44

it. Um, okay. It, it really is that that at a family gathering like this, this is the time to set aside, uh, differences. Uh, people, some people may still want to bring up the differences and talk about them. But it really is time to set aside the differences. And, um, it's also important while you're at a family gathering to take good care of yourself. You may need to take a break from the family gathering, so you may need to, um, step outside for 10 or 15 minutes and just be alone. Uh, take some deep breaths and let yourself relax and focus on what is outside. You know, so if you, if you step outside to take a break, what is outside, uh, it may be crisp and cold. Uh, it may be hot if you're here in Southern California, we may have a hot, uh, holiday going, um, regardless, you know, uh, look around, you see what is out there? What, what are the trees looking like? What is the grass look like? What condition is the sky? Uh, is it hot or cold? Uh, how does the air smell, you know, really, really try to sort of ground yourself and, and be in the moment. You know, what, what do you hear when you're out there? Do you hear laughter do you hear, um, cars and buses? Do you hear airplanes? Is the wind blowing? What what's going on? So you use your senses. Take a break, take a deep breath. Let yourself relax. Uh, remind yourself that you're here to visit with your family and that you'd like to, is there someone that you would like to talk to inside? Maybe you just came outside to get away from somebody. Well, who would you like to talk to go back in and try to find them after you've let yourself relax. So it's okay for you to take a break. Maybe you have to go to the bathroom in order to take a break from your family. Go to the bathroom, sit on the toilet for a while and take some deep breaths. Um, you take a bath in a much. You may not have time to take a bath,

Erica 21:01

but fine. I guess your Christmas looks very different than mine. I'm just kidding.

Dr. Charles Barr 21:05

If it's your house, you make

Erica 21:09

the upstairs all to yourself or something like that. My uncle honestly. Cool. Is it such an introvert? And I crack up at him because he just can't handle it. We have such a big family and he's just, he, he always leaves at a certain point, but he's the quietest person in the room. So, so like, you don't really notice, but, um, I remember one time I went to use the upstairs bathroom and I, I walked into the bedroom first and I was like, Oh, he's, he's like in here sleeping. Like he's actually, we're all downstairs that he came up to just take a snooze. Yeah. That's it actually is what he needs. It was his own house. So

Dr. Charles Barr 21:48

yeah. Well, I actually, even if it's not your house, you can go take a nap. You know, if that's helpful for you, you can go. Find a quiet bedroom and lie down ticket, take a short nap. That can be very, very helpful.

Erica 22:02

That's true. Any alone time can be helpful to recharge those batteries,

Dr. Charles Barr 22:07

recharge your batteries. Lots of personalities and, and none of them are ideal. Because none of them are perfect. So this can't be a perfect meal. It can't be a perfect day, but it can still be a good day and you can walk away having renewed family ties and talk to talking to people that you wanted to talk with and visiting people you wanted to.

Erica 22:36

And that's, that's why these movies about. Christmas or Thanksgiving or whatever holiday it is has. There's so many movies out there that people love about crazy families on Christmas. And it's because it's so relatable. I remember always thinking that I was alone in, especially when I was in college and I was going to have to go home to, um, Certain things that certain personalities, I should say at the time that were less than desirable. And, uh, it was very, very hard the weeks leading up, knowing what I was going to be going to. And I remember, um, I went to a Christian college, but I remember my professor. Praying for this, our class, which was, had like 300 students in it. It's one of those auditorium classes. And he prayed for people for the students who were going home to things that were less than pleasant for the holidays. And I remember thinking like, wow, okay. So it's not just me.

Dr. Charles Barr 23:34

Yes.

Erica 23:35

I was so appreciative. Yeah. That's somebody else. And maybe other students in the room were dealing with whatever they were dealing with, but it, sometimes it can feel like it's just you and you're the only one, but just remember those movies are made based on reality. They're made for a reason and they make money because this is the truth of almost everyone's holiday. So you're not alone.

Dr. Charles Barr 24:00

But it can still be good. And we want to keep that in mind that it's still can be good. So I hope all of our listeners will have a fulfilling holiday and a fulfilling time with their family. Not perfect because it won't be, but I hope it will be fulfilling

Erica 24:18

memories made for years to come. Hopefully that's right. But if not, that's okay. Well, thank you, dr. Borrow, your tips are gonna even get me through the holidays this year. I think.

Dr. Charles Barr 24:28

Well, maybe they'll get me through too. Yeah. I don't have a perfect family either. Right? None of us do.

Erica 24:35

None of us do, and none of us are perfect either.

Dr. Charles Barr 24:38

So. Oh, yeah.

Erica 24:43

But remember for everyone else, somebody has to spend the holidays with you too. Okay.

Dr. Charles Barr 24:48

Oh my goodness. That's a terrible talk. Isn't it.

Erica 24:53

I could handle being related to you. I hear you go to Disneyland for Thanksgiving, so, Oh yeah. That's pretty cool. If you're buying I'm there. Disneyland's expensive these days.

Dr. Charles Barr 25:04

Oh goodness.

Erica 25:08

I think that's it. So, um, next time, we're going to be talking about how to get there. We told you how to deal with it while you're there, but we're going to tell you actually how to get there. So, um, make sure you check that out

Dr. Charles Barr 25:22

next time.

Erica 25:26

Thanks so much for tuning in today. I hope that something in today's conversation provided you with a feeling of hope, determination, or purpose. I know what you're going through, and that's why I want to give you some of the tools that helped me in my anxiety journey to get a free copy of free from fears head to freefromfearsbook.com to find out more about the CHAANGE anxiety treatment program. Find us at CHAANGE.com Thanks again for listening. And remember you are not broken You are not alone and you are on your way to living a life free of anxiety. See you next week.